One Night a Day

Disclaimer and Notes: Not mine, no profit made. Riley and Buffy just wandered into Stonyland and I've tried to convince them that they really ought to take shelter elsewhere, but that just makes them want to stay. My first BtVS fanfic. This takes place right after the Season 4 episode "Out of My Mind". Title and story inspired by the Garth Brooks song of the same name, although as with most songs that inspire my stories, things get a little twisted. :) Comments, constructive criticism, and chocolate always welcome at: dayea@rainewynd.com

One Night a Day

by Raine Wynd

She's sleeping. For a moment, I'm reminded of fairy tales — you know, the part after the prince took Cinderella home — with her blonde hair all spread out across the pillow, her slender, naked body twisted around the covers of my bed. I smile at my own fancy, and try not to analyze the deeper psychological meaning. I do it anyway, and hear her voice mock me about taking the boy out of psych class, but not taking the psych class out of the boy.

It's four a.m. Reveille. My body snaps wide awake at the ingrained habit of a military wake-up time that doesn't matter anymore, even though I've been patrolling with Buffy all night. Well, most of it. She was riding high on adrenaline from the fight we'd had, engaging some HSTs — vampires who hadn't yet figured out Sunnydale wasn't the place to be a vampire. I'd been a fool to resist her when Buffy was so full of life like that — and my mama didn't raise a fool, at least not when it came to stuff like that. God, if I could only bottle the moments Buffy and I share, the moments when I really know she's with me and not somewhere else.... but thinking of that only reminds me of the things that were bottled and measured and scientifically torn to pieces, and I shut my mind to the things I wish I didn't know.

It's been a few months since the Initiative was officially shut down. Graham's words to me a week ago still hurt. I don't want to go back to the undercover agent life, but it's true — I don't really have a purpose here, not like I used to, not one with some top-secret mission statement. Oh sure, I'm still officially a TA, still have a role in fighting HS — demons, I should say (habit is a hard thing to break) — but there's a part of me that knows Graham was right. When it comes to fighting evil, I'm just the boyfriend, good for size and strength and a good time in bed.

Oh, I know it's unfair of me to think that of Buffy, especially when she's lying her next to me, my left arm long gone numb from her neck resting on it. I love her. She's the one I'd love to marry, to have forever, and keep safe. But I know her heart's not with me, not really. There's a huge space carved out in it that belongs to a vampire with a soul, and there's nothing I can do to compete with that. Not after talking with Willow, finding out exactly what Buffy had left out in her story.

Even if I didn't know the details, I think some part of me would still know. I mean, it was pretty clear when I tried to get close to her that she wasn't yet over whoever had hurt her in the past, and she tried to shove me away several times. I was stubborn. Now, a year later, some part of me wishes I'd listened to her. Maybe then my heart wouldn't feel like it's breaking by inches, knowing I'll always have to share Buffy with someone else, with something else that's bigger and more important than me.

If anyone had ever told me I'd fall in love with a Slayer, I would've told them they were crazy. Slayer? What the hell was that? And if someone had explained, before she'd told me she was one, I would've imagined her taller, with dark hair and a soldier's attitude. Maybe someone more like Faith. Single-minded focus, yeah, but without that complete lack of regard for others. Not petite and blond and so full of compassion it's like standing in the sun.

I thought I knew what a hero was. I thought I had the shtick down cold. Special Agent Riley Finn, GI Joe and 007 and Government Sanctioned Demon Hunter all rolled into one, ready to be a poster boy for Hero of the Year. Give me that Purple Heart, sir, I've earned it.

I know I'm not, and a Purple Heart? They'll never give it to someone like me. I went AWOL. I deserted my post. Abandoned my command, helped a bunch of civilian insurrectionists, and turned my back on a promising military career. That part about saving the world from a government masterminded apocalypse? Doesn't mean crapola, not when some pencil-pushing general somewhere is looking at a file full of carefully censored statements. Agent Finn failed to obey orders, broke regulations, voided his security clearance, and worst of all, dared to question what was happening instead of taking it on faith. I'm a traitor to everything I was trained to be.

Oh, I still have the option of coming back, no hard feelings, but... soldier's supposed to be able to blindly trust that his leaders know what's best for him, and for the soldiers under his command. I can't do that. Not now. Not when I know that a bunch of civilians are better equipped — or at least more rightly focused — to handle the war on demons. Not when I know the government I trusted has been using me as a lab rat. Tell me, is that a hero? Some messed-up boy from Iowa who's not what he thought he was? Some days, I feel less than human, less than a man, and I have to stop myself before I start wondering what else I don't know about myself. The only thing that seems to help is seeing Buffy.

Buffy defines my life now. There aren't a lot of things I want to do that I don't want to do with her. Buffy's friends are my friends, but I'm not so sure they entirely trust me. Not that I can blame them. None of them talk much about the past, but I can read between the lines. I was part of the Initiative. I'm still on the outside. Just like Tara and Anya are. We've proven ourselves, but I know, the rest of gang is waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will that be, I don't know. I don't want to deliberately hurt her, but I know I can't go on, settling for half of her heart, for half of her life.

I can't fight the Slayer; can't fight the destiny that's chosen her as a weapon to fight evil. I can fight alongside her, but in the end, what I am is a risk. Someone for some halfway intelligent demon to use as a bargaining chip. I tell myself all I have to do is walk away, to tell her something that will end this relationship once and for all, but I don't have the courage. I can barely get through one night without wanting to be with her, without making sure she's all right. I can't hurt her, and yet... everything I know is telling me she'd be better off without me.

I sigh quietly and turn over to watch her sleep. Someday, this memory will be all I have of her, and I don't want to miss a moment.