Considerations

by Raine Wynd

There was a lot Xander never dreamed he'd even consider knowing, a lot he knows he's deliberately forgotten, a lot he'd like to forget but never will. Etched into his memory are things like how deep pain can go, how Anya would sometimes wake him up in the middle of the night just sucking him off, how he never could understand any language of a spell but knew how to enunciate every syllable when it mattered, how the news media called the destruction of Sunnydale the single most massive explosion the nation had ever seen. Giles thinks they ought to check out Cleveland, give the folks at that Hellmouth a hand, but only a few of the new Slayers have taken him up on that suggestion, while the others are headed home. Xander's not sure what he thinks, but he rather suspects that if he doesn't do something soon, he'll find himself stuck in this town, working construction and hoping for a better life.

By now, he knew, Willow had already gotten in touch with her parents; like most of Sunnydale's residents, they'd been told some fiction about a terrorist group wanting to blow up the town, and had evacuated to the next town over, which was where they were as well. She was planning to introduce Kennedy to them later today; Xander had wished her luck, and then had to quickly add that he wished her good luck and not in an evil way or anything that could possibly be construed as something for grounds of a spell. Willow had laughed, and hugged him, and then Kennedy had hugged him too, and now he sat alone in the courtyard of the hotel, watching the sun bead condensation on his water glass and trying to find the motivation to do something. He'd already called his insurance company, and knows that he has to wait until the checks come before going anywhere, because right now he had exactly $40 in his wallet. Not for the first time, he wished he had banked with someplace other than First National of Sunnydale, which had no branches anywhere but Sunnydale. He was infinitely grateful that Buffy planned the attack on the Hellmouth in advance and gave everyone time to pack what they wanted to keep into the school bus, in hopes they'd all make it out somehow. He's not so sure he wants to know where his parents are, but figures he'll find out eventually; not everyone made it out of Sunnydale alive, and he rather suspects his father would have been one not to follow anything the mayor decreed. Buffy was already planning on heading to London with Giles, and taking a tour of Europe with Dawn. Dawn had proudly showed him the itinerary yesterday, and he'd made all the appropriate remarks, but inside he'd felt distant. He tried to find some emotion, some measure of grief, but some part of him feels like he's been grieving over lost things and people for so long that he's numb.

A shadow falls over his table, and he looks up to see Faith standing before him, blocking out the sun. "Hey, you hungry?" she asks. "I was going up to the McDonald's; thought you might want to come along."

He considers this a moment, aware that Faith's been spending most of her time with Robin as he recuperated from his injuries. "Nah, that's all right," Xander tells her. "Not hungry." At her stare, he added, "I kinda lost my taste for fries and a burger after Buffy worked the Doublemeat Palace."

"I don't even want to think about what that could mean," Faith decided after a moment. Sighing, she pulled up a chair and sat down. "You gonna go to Cleveland when we go?"

"I don't know," he told her honestly. "I'm not much interested in being the guy who needs rescuing, which is what seems to happen when I'm surrounded by women who are tougher than me. Why do you care?"

Faith shrugged. "Maybe because Buffy isn't," she said. She held up a hand to forestall the argument she saw forming. "Come on, Xander, when's the last time she paid you any attention? You got hurt, and all she could think about was revenge. Who called 911?"

Xander couldn't argue with that logic. "I'm not sure I can deal with you as the kinder-gentler-reformed you," he told her, suspicion edging his voice.

"Well, I'm not planning on fucking you, or fucking you over," Faith answered bluntly, clearly unsurprised. "You just look...lost. And I know lost like it was my sister."

Xander didn't say anything for a long moment. "I just...we saved the world every year for years, but the world doesn't know. Or care. I feel like I've come home after a CIA mission and have to figure out how to be a civilian again."

Faith chuckled dryly. "Why do you even want to? What, you're going to go live the American Dream and hope you never run into any monsters again? I thought I had it made, three squares and a routine. Evil came looking for me anyway."

"Yeah, but you're kinda hard to miss."

"And you're not?" Faith shook her head. "Give me a fucking break. You got enough friends in this world who'd die for you, who'd die protecting you, and you think you'd be hard to miss? That was my line a few years ago, buddy. You can't convince me you're not worth something to someone. I'm sure there's a lawyer in Wolfram & Hart right now who's got a price on your head." Xander winced at that idea, and Faith smiled grimly. "Besides, what make you think you can live a perfect life without running into anything like what you found in Sunnydale? All it would take is for you to stumble across something that would make you wonder, or one of your friends to need a favor, and you'd be right in the middle of chaos again. Better you go in expecting chaos than for it to find you." She stood and pulled Xander to his feet; he didn't bother trying to resist, aware she was far stronger and would, if she wanted to, kick his ass.

"You honestly think it's any better to expect it?"

Faith grinned. "It's my current theory," she offered. "So far? It seems to be working." She shrugged as Xander groaned. "Come on, the gang's waiting on us. Food, planning, and some butt-kicking. Sound good to you?"

For a moment, Xander was tempted to go running in the opposite direction. He had a feeling, though, that what he'd find there would be worse than if he went with Faith. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. "Lead on, McDuff."

June 20, 2005